The absolute worst show on TV is ***SPOILER ALERT*** “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.”
It is so bad, on so many levels, that I’m sure it will be a long-running hit on the Family Channel. It’s so putrid, yet I suspect its mesmerized fan base may not even realize it. That’s right, if you love this show, you’re an idiot, or stand by to prove you aren’t. I can just see teens and tweens texting back and forth about Ben and Amy and their dilemmas every Monday night. Or actually having phone conversations about all the dysfunction they witness, all born of the mind of Brenda Hampton, who brought us “Seventh Heaven,” where no cliche was ever safe, no acting teacher ever proud.
The drama that drives “SLOTAT” (my abbreviation–wonder if it will catch on? LOL) is this: Amy had sex for the first time at band camp last summer, and ***SPOILER ALERT*** she’s pregnant! The boy who helped get her that way is Ricky, who is, of course, the baaaaaaaad boy who carries on a “friends with benefits” relationship with Adrian, the smarmy sleaze who wears low-cut blouses no public school outside of southern California would allow. Alas, she is from a broken home. That explains why this girl’s morals would make a pimp blush.
Back to Ben. Since he and Amy are 15, and he loves Amy so completely, he decides to marry her. Happens all the time, right? Two lovestruck kids from upper-middle-class families in southern California run off with fake IDs and get hitched. The smart adults on this show, and by that I mean stupid adults, got to the bottom of that one and made everyone realize that ***SPOILER ALERT*** because they used fake IDs, Ben and Amy weren’t really legally married at all.
Amy has a little sister, Ashley, who is the token “rebel without a cause.” She wears lots of dark clothes, which of course gives her “attitude.” (Somebody tell her 1991 needs its wardrobe back) Ashley has that dry, monotone delivery. You know the kind: “I’m the smartest kid in the room. You all suck.”
Amy and Ashley can always feel better about themselves by looking at their nimrod parents. Anne, the mom, is played by Molly Ringwald, who would have been better off marrying Ducky when she had the chance. Her estranged husband is so anxious to be “close to his girls” that he secretly ***SPOILER ALERT*** moves into the garage. I laughed until I stopped on that one. What a twist. Just keepin’ it real, eh Brenda?
The adults at home are not to be outdone in this show. The adults at school are also lacking a healthy flow of oxygen, letting a teen run a fake ID production lab out of a counselor’s office. To bust the kid who was making the IDs, they do what all wise administrators do–they page him by name on the PA system. “Come get busted now!”
The fact that Steve Schirripa, who played Bobby on the “Sopranos” all those years, is now playing Ben’s father on this show makes me sad. I keep waiting for him to just make Ben and Amy an offer they can’t refuse.
Hampton stays close to her heavenly roots by giving us the “good, Christian girl” named Grace (you can smell the irony, right?), and alas, she’s fallen for Ricky the Baaaaaaaaad Boy. She’s going to be so upset when she finds out about Ricky and Adrian on a “very special SLOTAT” episode in the very near future.
Grace has a special needs brother, and he ***SPOILER ALERT*** falls hard for a special needs girl on their first date. It’s so cute, yet so heartbreaking. But cute.
Cute is how I would describe the major plot points on this show. It’s cute that Amy’s mom actually tells her she’ll need to get a job and take care of her baby when it’s born. Amy finds out after one whole day of looking that it’s hard to get a job! Who knew? It was also cute when the jock took the rap for the kid who actually made those fake IDs. Those dumb cops, and the nosy school counselor, seemed unable to do anything about this miscarriage of justice. Again, adults are basically brain-dead on this show.
The program is about comfortable teens who are always in a little trouble, but not really. There is never any real drama. Everything will work out for these rich, spoiled, self-absorbed young people. They have more safety nets than most of the teens I know. Real life is not this way.
Maybe that’s the worst thing about “SLOTAT.” Just when you think your real challenges are going to get the best of you, kids, and that nobody understands, this show makes you realize that somewhere, a staff of writers and producers, all educated, highly-paid grown-ups, have absolutely no idea what the real American teen faces everyday, or how to portray it on TV.
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